life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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