I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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