i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
