I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
