I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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