Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
