swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize