Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize