Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
