he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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