You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
