I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize