i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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