I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
