So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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