I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
