forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
