right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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