I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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