my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
