I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
