Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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