she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
zippers are such a cool invention
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
