What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
