last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
