Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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