Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
