I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
