that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
