I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
