the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
