Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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