Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
