Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
