the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My vagina is officially offended.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
