Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
