The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
