remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
