i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
