i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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