if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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