Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
