Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
