i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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