I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
