just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
