How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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