I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
