why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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