Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
