Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
