i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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