Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
