my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
