OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
