He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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