my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
