i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
