make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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