I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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