Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
