turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
