Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
