Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
