Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
