My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
