i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I AM VODKA MAN
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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