Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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