thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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