and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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